This sharing is of my childhood and how my growth journey with PRH has helped me.
Rediscovering our past is progressing toward actualizing all the potentialities we have received; it is giving ourselves the opportunity to rediscover our personal roots.
(From the text of FPM 08 – My Childhood Past – 6th edition – 060116)
My childhood was generally a happy experience for me. Why? I am the first grandchild from my father’s side and the first granddaughter from my mother’s side. Therefore I was the princess in the big family. Everybody took care of me and gave me the best of themselves.
But why do I put this story under the heading of “painful past”? Well, “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” ~ said Soren Kierkegaard. There is a painful part of my childhood that has hindered me from swallowing pills when I need medication.
When I was small, I was very tiny because I did not want to eat. Of course it worried my mother. Therefore, she looked for a way to improve my appetite. And the way that she chose was to use a traditional remedy. When a Javanese child refuses to eat, often mothers would boil various herbs to give the children. Because understandably I did not want to the bitter concoction, she had to place it in my mouth by force (“dicekoki” - force-fed). I tried to escape her by running all over house, but my mother caught me. My hands were held tight, my neck gripped and the disgusting herbal essence shoved down my throat. It was very painful - not just in my body, but also in my heart.
Since that time (first grade of elementary school), I cannot swallow any medication, even on my own. Every time I needed to take even a tiny little pill, the whole painful experience comes back to life. I remember the detail of the episode when I was chased by my mother. It was like I was being shackled all over again. Even though I could live my daily life normally, this painful past has a big impact every time I need medication. It takes a lot of effort for me to consume just a tiny little pill. I become a little child again.
During a PRH workshop, I came to realize how traumatic that incident was for me. I also learned that I can grow in solidity and heal.
PRH helped me discover that the most precious part of me that was robbed during that incident was my freedom. I felt that I had lost my freedom. I needed to rediscover my capacity to be free. I had to re-educate myself to recognize that the freedom to choose is mine from the very beginning, but as a kid my freedom was not strong enough to overcome my mother’s force. Now I have greater freedom in me. I can use my freedom to stand in my pain so it does not hurt anymore. This awareness helped me accept the fact that I was hurt in the past. I felt strong because I can reawaken my freedom, like a long unused muscle. I have a sense of greater inner space.
Now I live without tension. When I need to swallow a pill, it no longer triggers painful feelings. I feel more alive and unbothered and, hence, I experience greater interior freedom.
I am grateful for my growth journey with PRH because it helped me understand that my freedom was there all along. It has not disappeared – it was simply burried by the pain. I have not lost it. I am grateful to find my freedom back. Re-experiencing the sense of freedom has helped me overcome my painful past.
I am grateful for this point of my life. I am grateful for my determination to grow. I am grateful for the PRH tools that help me see my true life. This gratitude brings excitement: excitement to live, excitement to exist. To be who I am inside.